IM NT SRE IF I SHLD MJOR IN ENGLSH OR TRNSFR TO ANTHR SCHOOL.
I WLL FGRE IT OUT, BT I HTE THE IN BTWEEN TIMES.
LSTN TO: FLTHD BY THE FRTLLS
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
long walk.
I took a walk today.
I said everything that was on my mind.
Some out loud to myself,
others in my head
And I felt better.
Much better.
I'm a wreck right now.
I have become, in a way, everything I hate. I was letting things get to me. Little things and I've just been a whiny bitch for the past few months because I don't want to deal with my problems and I want to get advice and help with someone else when I'm doing all this to myself. It is immature. Very immature. I realize that. I also realize that, even though I was reaching out for people, only a very few actually cared to take a few moments of their time to see what's up. I'm being ridiculous and I've got to stop doing this to myself. I will or it will be the death of me.
I can't wait until the summer. These days of great weather reminds me of the care free times that I miss ever so much. I can't wait to go back home and just chill. I want to take hold of the time I have of the summer. I want to travel very badly. I have a goal to make it to all 50 states before I die and stay there without using a hotel and stay with a friend or in a car or something like that. It is ambitious goal, but I want to try it. I need to read more and write me. I don't think my abilities in the English Language are that great at all, so I need to work on it. I don't want one boring moment this summer. I can have lazy days. Just not boring days. There is a HUGE difference.
I am in Angels in America and the show opens in two days. We still have so much work to do, but I am excited. To the fullest. And nervous. Dramatic plays make nervous. I am never nervous about musicals and stuff. It just happens for me, but I am nervous about my performance in a couple of days AND sad it will end. I loved everything about working on this play. So much fun and so much growth.
Listen to: Hella Nervous!!! by Gravy Train
LMFAO. Best song EVER.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
absurd. happy. spring.
I want to thank my best friends for caring about me and making me feel better when I'm being irrational. They gave me a new light on what I was feeling and made it better for me. It's not an instant switch from sad to happy, but it's definitely a turn for the better on my part.
I am silly for not noticing that I was digging myself into oblivion. I need that hit in the head and I got something. We discussed absurdism to a degree in one of my class and it made me think about a lot of stuff in my class. The structure of absurd-ist play is that the beginning of the play is similar to the end of the play. There is change, but the characters don't seem to get out of this cycle. We talked about how when you ask someone the question, "How are you doing?" people rarely tell you how they are really feeling. 9 out 10 times, you will get a generic answer like good or alright. The point that made me think is that absurdism brings up the idea that people try to avoid to expose themselves to other people and impose themselves on other people. I have been doing that. I've been avoiding certain issues and going through the cycles. I have to stop. That is one of my biggest issues. I am addicted to the status quo. At least I am admitting to it.
Next time you ask me something, I will give you a straight forward answer and not have "nothing conversation" that there is a need to find a connection in the conversation when there really isn't. I will try not to go through the motions anymore.
Today was a beautiful day. I love Spring. I can read outside. The best feeling in the world. Read a book or play in the shade of a tree and take in the world. My kind of day. I want to thank some of my friends for listening and giving me the best advice ever. Thank you Henry and Kris for caring and coming up to me. Thanks Becky for listening and going on a walk today.
And you, I tried. We will see.
Listen to: Razor by Head Automatica.
I am silly for not noticing that I was digging myself into oblivion. I need that hit in the head and I got something. We discussed absurdism to a degree in one of my class and it made me think about a lot of stuff in my class. The structure of absurd-ist play is that the beginning of the play is similar to the end of the play. There is change, but the characters don't seem to get out of this cycle. We talked about how when you ask someone the question, "How are you doing?" people rarely tell you how they are really feeling. 9 out 10 times, you will get a generic answer like good or alright. The point that made me think is that absurdism brings up the idea that people try to avoid to expose themselves to other people and impose themselves on other people. I have been doing that. I've been avoiding certain issues and going through the cycles. I have to stop. That is one of my biggest issues. I am addicted to the status quo. At least I am admitting to it.
Next time you ask me something, I will give you a straight forward answer and not have "nothing conversation" that there is a need to find a connection in the conversation when there really isn't. I will try not to go through the motions anymore.
Today was a beautiful day. I love Spring. I can read outside. The best feeling in the world. Read a book or play in the shade of a tree and take in the world. My kind of day. I want to thank some of my friends for listening and giving me the best advice ever. Thank you Henry and Kris for caring and coming up to me. Thanks Becky for listening and going on a walk today.
And you, I tried. We will see.
Listen to: Razor by Head Automatica.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
think. think. think.
What is wrong with me? In the past two weeks, I have gotten angry twice. I don't get angry. I'm not trying to embellish anything at all, but I don't like getting angry or being angry. Before my emotions become anger, it becomes something else for me like sadness, or jealousy or bewilderment, but I've gotten truly angry twice in the past two weeks. Enough so, that I wanted to just push a wall or something or someone. I think it is awful. I think about my actions and thoughts too much for me to be so impulsive to think I want to punch something. It is sophomoric and other synonyms of that word. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I've been having this same feeling over and over in my head these past days. I've been having the feeling that I need to get something off my chest, but there isn't a way of doing it. I am being hypocritical because I pride myself in being blunt, honest, more synonyms, but the things that are really bothering me, I feel, will really hurt the people closest to me. It's not them really, but what they represent in the grand scheme that is me. These issues I have aren't anything different from the regular person in this world, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know why I get so upset about certain things. I am weak? Yes. I wish I could do something about it or tell someone everything. Every last detail and not be afraid that they have judged me.
That won't happen so I'm not going to dwell on it, but I can't stop dwelling on it. I am me. I am Winslow. I think about every single detail that comes into my life. I over think everything and read into people's actions accordingly. I might have to break the conclusions that I have in my mind about people because they aren't "predictable" but they really are. I just wish some people would break the conclusion for me. Go over the expectation I have of them because I do think highly of most of my friends but people are "predictable." That's my real problem. I'm probably predictable too, I just wish people could give me a challenge and I will try to go past it. That's what I am left with. Do it. Ask and I try to receive and send something right back atcha. I promise. Make a step. I am putting myself out there for people to read and see, so say something back.
Give me a place to say what I got to say and someone to listen. That will be best present anyone could give me to. I need that now. I don't care that this comes out emotional, because it is and if you don't like it, then don't read it, but my main point is that I wish I could express myself without hurting everyone around me. Worse would be if I told them, and nothing happened. That would kill me inside. I've got to think.
Listen to: A Poor Man's Memory by Explosion in the Sky
I've been having this same feeling over and over in my head these past days. I've been having the feeling that I need to get something off my chest, but there isn't a way of doing it. I am being hypocritical because I pride myself in being blunt, honest, more synonyms, but the things that are really bothering me, I feel, will really hurt the people closest to me. It's not them really, but what they represent in the grand scheme that is me. These issues I have aren't anything different from the regular person in this world, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know why I get so upset about certain things. I am weak? Yes. I wish I could do something about it or tell someone everything. Every last detail and not be afraid that they have judged me.
That won't happen so I'm not going to dwell on it, but I can't stop dwelling on it. I am me. I am Winslow. I think about every single detail that comes into my life. I over think everything and read into people's actions accordingly. I might have to break the conclusions that I have in my mind about people because they aren't "predictable" but they really are. I just wish some people would break the conclusion for me. Go over the expectation I have of them because I do think highly of most of my friends but people are "predictable." That's my real problem. I'm probably predictable too, I just wish people could give me a challenge and I will try to go past it. That's what I am left with. Do it. Ask and I try to receive and send something right back atcha. I promise. Make a step. I am putting myself out there for people to read and see, so say something back.
Give me a place to say what I got to say and someone to listen. That will be best present anyone could give me to. I need that now. I don't care that this comes out emotional, because it is and if you don't like it, then don't read it, but my main point is that I wish I could express myself without hurting everyone around me. Worse would be if I told them, and nothing happened. That would kill me inside. I've got to think.
Listen to: A Poor Man's Memory by Explosion in the Sky
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