think. think. think.

What is wrong with me? In the past two weeks, I have gotten angry twice. I don't get angry. I'm not trying to embellish anything at all, but I don't like getting angry or being angry. Before my emotions become anger, it becomes something else for me like sadness, or jealousy or bewilderment, but I've gotten truly angry twice in the past two weeks. Enough so, that I wanted to just push a wall or something or someone. I think it is awful. I think about my actions and thoughts too much for me to be so impulsive to think I want to punch something. It is sophomoric and other synonyms of that word. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I've been having this same feeling over and over in my head these past days. I've been having the feeling that I need to get something off my chest, but there isn't a way of doing it. I am being hypocritical because I pride myself in being blunt, honest, more synonyms, but the things that are really bothering me, I feel, will really hurt the people closest to me. It's not them really, but what they represent in the grand scheme that is me. These issues I have aren't anything different from the regular person in this world, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know why I get so upset about certain things. I am weak? Yes. I wish I could do something about it or tell someone everything. Every last detail and not be afraid that they have judged me.

That won't happen so I'm not going to dwell on it, but I can't stop dwelling on it. I am me. I am Winslow. I think about every single detail that comes into my life. I over think everything and read into people's actions accordingly. I might have to break the conclusions that I have in my mind about people because they aren't "predictable" but they really are. I just wish some people would break the conclusion for me. Go over the expectation I have of them because I do think highly of most of my friends but people are "predictable." That's my real problem. I'm probably predictable too, I just wish people could give me a challenge and I will try to go past it. That's what I am left with. Do it. Ask and I try to receive and send something right back atcha. I promise. Make a step. I am putting myself out there for people to read and see, so say something back.

Give me a place to say what I got to say and someone to listen. That will be best present anyone could give me to. I need that now. I don't care that this comes out emotional, because it is and if you don't like it, then don't read it, but my main point is that I wish I could express myself without hurting everyone around me. Worse would be if I told them, and nothing happened. That would kill me inside. I've got to think.


Listen to: A Poor Man's Memory by Explosion in the Sky