embrasser

     Kiss. I don't even know how this happened. Kiss. Her lips soft, supple lips brushed my check and every nerve in my body seemed to charge from the very particles between me and her. Kiss. Pause.

     "Fired up?" she said as she sat up. Hellz fucking yea I wanted to say, but only a faint "yes" fell from my lips as if the words weren't able to escape from my mind to my lips.

     "Had a good time tonight?" she said as she crossed her legs and looked up me with urgency.

     "Yes. Splendid night." Who the fuck says splendid? I am a dumbass. Example A why you can't keep a girl for more than a second, kid.

     "Me too." Her smile made my mind melt for a second and I shifted a little in the leather couch we found ourselves in.

     "So?" I said without thinking. Thanks for making it awkward again, buddy.

     "Yes?" Yes? I got nothing. Why did I say so? What the fuck is wrong with me? Think. You like her. You really like her. You've liked her for months now, ever since you saw her in the school bookstore. You like everything about her. She is perfect. Why am I fucking up right now? She asked you to kiss her. She took her to the other room. She kissed you first after a few awkward seconds. She made you feel amazing. It wasn't you for once. Do something. Anything.

     "I...I..." Nothing. "I...I...like..." You are fucking up. Say something.

     "I like you, Winslow." She fucking said it?! I didn't have to say... "And I know you like me. I never thanked you for picking out the book for me in the beginning of the semester. It became one of my favorite books. Every time I think of that book, I think of that kind guy who helped me find it. You can say something now. You look like you just saw a ghost or something. Do I have two heads or something?"

     Wow. I am agog. Now. Don't. Fuck. Up.

     "I'm...speechless. I just didn't think a girl so sweet and beautiful and..."

     Kiss. Wow. Now that's a kiss. Everything about this felt right. For once.

     "...I got to go soon," I said as stopped for second. I am dumb.

     "Shut up, Winslow. You've got time for one more kiss."


I know the format is weird and shit, but I needed to write that down. It was in my mind.

Listen to: Anything by Modest Mouse because it was playing in the background through the whole time I was typing. lol.

J'ai besoin d'un peu de repos et relaxation.

A few days to myself will be good for me.
I will go out, if you want to,
but I just need to think deeply for a few days.

I need to bring you back. I need to find myself.
Any up for a day trip? I need to get out of LI.

tort.

It was wrong of me to tell. I am sorry. Fuck, sorry. It's just a word. I will prove myself again.

honnêteté

grow up! this seems to be a common motif this summer
and speak up. someone's got to start doing it.

Listen to: Everybody Nose by N.E.R.D

obscurité.

The room was bathed in darkness. Light pierced through the dimness, making objects more visible, more suitable for the naked eye. The computer screen glowed, dousing the ever so beautiful, silent darkness just enough for me to formulate my thoughts from brain to visible light. Levers and gauges churned in my mind as I tried usher some wavelength of thought. Some tangible essence of how I felt about this very moment. The room was hushed except for the uneven clicking of my vintage keyboard.

I am wordless when it comes to how I feel at this point in my life. I am tacit. All I know is that I have to find myself again. You probably all think this is a silly phase I am going through, but that's an example way I do have to change myself. Stop with the stigma! I'm not one to talk, because I do it as well, but I'm trying to stop. I'm trying to coerce myself into the right direction. Find a new path and hey, I'm done putting the burden on myself. That's my problem. I will just be me and if some of you don't notice, I'm fine it. Before, I would think too deeply into why you haven't noticed, but why should I? It's not my lose anymore. People come and go and only a few people will appreciate you for being you. Few people will be honest with you and that's how life works. I'm sick of thinking that I have to change people. I can't do it. It was dumb of me to even think that, but I will try to find a person that I truly love inside and out this summer and if people don't want to put in the effort to see me as me or try to hang out with me, its not my problem. I am not the one at fault. You are.

Happy Birthday, Becky. You are truly one of the best friends I have ever had. Fuck off with your comments because you are thinking it right now. Hope you have a wonderful day, Becky.


Listen to: She & Him
(Anything by them.
I will always remember when you helped me with that review.)

aveugle.

I have made a few steps in the right direction.

I have to stop being insecure. It will be my downfall.

I tell myself I am going to be truly honest from now on,

but I get worried about people's reaction when the truth comes up.

I can't keep doing that anymore. I have to be honest.

Not that,

sarcastic-that's-how-Winslow-deals-emotions-besides-happy honest,

but complete honesty. Completely blind, filled with no biased opinions

and maybe I will be happier with myself and other people if I am that way.

It is worth a try because I really have been an emotional roller coaster

this past month and people have realized it.

I'm doing it to myself and I have to stop.

This is the last time I am saying that I have to change.

If I fall behind, someone please punch me a few times or just tell me.

On that note, I am upset for the sheer fact that everyone has

this preconceived notion about me.

Everyone has this image in their head about what I am supposed to be

and if I get of the regular formula that is me,

I am at fault and that's not fair at all.

I need to break out of that this summer.

I will change. I promise you that.

But in this case, I'm not the only one

that has to re evaluate some things.

trois.

Summer come now. Summer come now. Summer come now.

Hope is what I got.

"The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes."

-Thomas Hardy

poinçon.

One punch. Goddamn that hurt. The pain surged from my stomach, sparking violently through the delicate nerves in my body and I collapse to my knees. The weakness in my body and spirit overwhelm me in this moment and all I can think of is how to make the pain stop. I want to throw the pain into a pit and watch it fall for my own enjoyment. Stop. Get up. It doesn't hurt that much. Keep telling yourself that. Get up, Winslow. Get the fuck up.

There you go. Stand your ground. Fuck me. Why does it hurt so much. I have a false sense of safety in my mind. I can't be hurt. I am the amicable, friendly, witty guy that everyone loves. Why would I warrant anything to give me this much pain? Shut up. Stop thinking for once in your life, goddamnit. Stand your ground. I am silly for thinking that my wit wouldn't get me in trouble at some point in my life. Some, fuck, times I hide behind my words and don't take it in. Why are you such an idiot? Fuck!

I can't hear a thing. The murmur and noise of the world slowly dim down to a small hum. That was another punch. Fuck me, a cough, I'm bleeding. I would never think that in my wildest dreams that I would be in a fight long enough for me to be bleeding. FUCK, I'm bleeding. I'm not pugnacious. I'm not violent. Why me? Stop thinking. Fuck. Get up, Winslow. Oh my God, I can't do this. I can't see a thing. If I close my eyes long enough, it will all go away. The hum will go away, the pain will go away and I will be safe again.

No. I will get through this. Get up. Don't be fucking weak. You can dish it out, Winns, but you can't take it. Get up. Please. Open your eyes. Feel the earth in your hands and use your legs and get up. Spit out the bleed, kid and get up. Fuck! Get up!

That's it. You're up. Time for a knock out.

Fuck me. They hit me with another one.

jump. die. over. under.

Jump. Jump. Dive. Dive.

Over. Over. Under. Under.

One last chance. One last jump into something new. My last shot at something redeemable. My last pass at the goal, but I won't. I will dive into the same old waters. Float endlessly into the sea of, not tranquility, but stability. A fake stability. A false rendering of what is normal and what I am capable of. I have settled. I am weak and should leap and say something. I am captured in photos as a shell of consciousness, a spirit with gray and bleak innards trying to float back to the surface of what is perceived as great and I should be trying to spring into a new life.

I can't say that is it over. It's not at all. It's not over because I am not the only way that been laying in the dark and waiting for someone to save me. You, yes, you are not over that bar set for you and everyone sees it. You are so silly. I wanted to see how worked up you would get. Do you understand how silly that is. You are getting angry over something that isn't even directly about you and it was said over the internet. This is exactly the reaction I expected and everyone else did. Don't be full of yourself here. If you want to keep playing the game, we can and we will. I never lose my ammo. I am overstocked. You still aren't over it. If you didn't believe a shred of that, you wouldn't be all work up over broad generalizations. 

So you are probably guessing how I could incorporate under. I don't have to. You already did.

casser.

"I lost the game."

NO ONE IS ABOVE THE GAME.

ours.

Sarcastic rant, go:

"I love bears. Who wouldn't? Like, I heard from someone that liking bears is such a good thing. It was definitely off someone's trendy blog, but honestly, my friend Sue has been IN LOVE with bears for years and I thought it would be nice of me to join in with the cause. Like, I heard that like some bears are dying in some third world country. Somewhere in Africa, I bet. Or like the Mid East. We should, like, stop because the bombs we make kill the bears. But anyway, I got this cute bear logo t-shirt from the thrift store by me and I can't like wait to wear it with my off white, J. Crew cardigan, my cut off jeans I made myself (I sewed myself), and my super cute yellow flats. Some of my flats are so weird because they fit my feet so badly. My friend Sue like hates toe cleavage. If you don't know what that is, then you shouldn't be wearing flats and she knows like everything. We are like so hippies together. We are like in the "issues-aware" club on campus and it's like uber fun. But like aren't bears like adorable? I saw one on tv once and I've always wanted a bear. Even though the show was a cartoon, but it was soooo cute. Come on. Like then I started making mix tapes with like all the bear-related bands like Minus the Bear. Well, like then I got bored and I put on like some nice folk rock because that's what everyone is doing. Get with the program. OMG, I love blogging and people seeing how I talk and feel. I feel like so honored when like my friends read my blog and get to see more into me, like really deep. I should so write an entry about bears. So trendy. I am on the verge of something new. Bears are totally legit. Obvi. Forreal."

There was a...

...certain stillness as I walked back to my home tonight. As I traveled slowly through the rows of automobiles, I could hear the faint essence of flourishing parties, females talking among them, and the sweet white voice produced by the birds on campus, a regular event of a spring night succumbing to the freshness of a new day. Precipitation met my face, washing away the memories achieved tonight. I was centered. Each step closer to my dorm seemed to be losing its mass. The lighter steps propelled me farther to balancing myself as I reached the front of my dormitory.

The usual suspects stalked the entrance of my dormitory: Drunken students, particles and smells of cigarettes in the air and cheap, overhead lighting. Oh, did I forget to say that it reeked of bad decisions afoot? Oh, yea. That's just assumed. After that, everything became a blur. Sliding door. Stairs. Look for keys. Open door. Get undressed. Bed. And now I am here. Writing and reminiscing of how great walk can be at times.

Listen to: Fix You by Coldplay

10 seconds

I remember I used to like rainy days. When I was much younger, rain brought about itmany possibilities. If the rain wasn't very heavy, my grandma would sit on the porch of our old, wooden house and watch my brother and I play in the rain. She gave us the 10 second rule. She would count out 10 seconds as we spent our time absorbing the freshness and tranquility that the rain brings. She would sometimes use halves, such as 2 1/2 or 1 3/4, if she knew we were enjoying ourselves.

This rainy day isn't the same. I am in my twin, rusty, bed-frame bed and I am just laying there. Hoping that time would go along in minute increments or I wish time would just dissipate, forging space for me to just lay. Not to think. Just comfortably settle into a sense of nothing. Not a care in the world. Not a thing to fret upon. No haphazard involvement. The systems and orders of my life find an equilibrium and are forced not to plague me in this instant. This moment in which up is up and down is down and a bed is a bed, and there's not else to be concerned with.

It doesn't work like that. I am still that man in the bed, waiting for the something to happen. The same man that should start to appreciate what he has and just accept things for what they are, but he can't. Some transparent force in him, some intangible aurora in him drives him off course into the road of stupidity, solitude and uncertainty. He doesn't know who to turn to and when he does, he feels like he is just a lost puppy. He doesn't want to feel like he is always the one that needs aid. He loves the help, but doesn't understand why he is doing this to himself. Why is he lost? Why is he being like this? He doesn't want the attention. He wants to understand him and find out who he is and bring that to its full potent.

He can't change myself. He can't. But, he can decide to change. I changed subject about 338783 times in this stupid prose. Why is he becoming an English Professor? Maybe, I can still enjoy the day. I just want a friend, some rain and 10 seconds to make myself feel tranquil again. Get the fuck out of your bed, kid.

list

My goals for the summer:

1. Get a job or two.

2. Learn how to play the guitar.

3. Develop a new style for myself.

(This one only makes sense to me in my head.)

4. Get a bike, preferably a beach cruiser

and ride around everywhere.

5. Lose weight.

6. Travel to at least 5 states.

7. Read more the "classics" this summer.

8. Write something everyday.

9. Start a photo project for myself to complete.

(I have a few ideas already, but I would like input!)

10. Meet as many new people as I can.

11. Be more aggressive in my love life.

12. Trust people more.

Why do I have such a sinking feeling about this summer? I know I will pretty busy with stuff my stuff, but I feel like nothing exciting will happen on its own accord. I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't want to the summer and people to disappoint me and it will probably happen. I hate this stupid feeling. Feelings don't ever go away. Feelings stay until something triggers you to feel something else. I need that something. Come on! I just need some spice for the summer.

BTW Vampire Weekend. Free show. Central Park. A week after my birthday. I AM IN HEAVEN. and they are playing with Kid Sister and that's awesome. I am going to M.I.A, VW now, probably Cold War Kids, at least the Pitchfork Festival or the All Points West festival. I am going to as many cheap/good/free shows as possible and I am excited about that stuff. 

Some other stuff... not so much.

Time for sleep.

Listen to: dkjsfljhlfszhljhdgzkj (analyze that. and listen)

paper planes

I am a bad friend. I should tell people what I feel with them. I like thing brew in me. I feel so lost without being able to say something about it. I over analyze everything. Why do I let that take over everything in my life. I cross examine every action and character in my life and because of that, I think I become way too judgmental. That is my problem. I don't think I am perfect in anyway because I am one of the most insecure people out there, but I do judge and I am sorry I don't tell you. I really am, but its not that easy.

I am sorry that I can't take off the standards I have some people. I am sorry that I keep everything on file in my head. I am sorry I have been such a whinny bitch recently. I am sorry that I'm not being the friend, the down to earth person I used to be. I have changed a lot. I am high right now. That is one change that has happened to me. I still don't know how to take it in, but I like it. 

I am also sorry that you have so many stigmas about you. I am sorry some of you can't see the errors of your ways. I may be this or that, but you still got deal with yourself because some of you are like a train wreck. You can't turn your head, but its so horrible to watch. I am sorry I can't trust you anymore. I am sorry you try way too hard to be someone you aren't. I am sorry, but I am not the only culprit of wrongdoings.

I am happy that summer is so near. I don't want to spend it with certain people. I want to travel and see what people will actually write. I have a problem with some of my friends. I have to always start the conversation and why can't they? Why can't they see that it is a little fucked? Why can't they see that it fucking hurts to see it happen all the time and you know it will happen again and you see it happening in front of your eyes? I just don't know.

I am rambling, but I need to leave. 

Somewhere. Nice. Quiet. 

For a day. Or a week.

Or a month.

I want

to kiss

someone

again.

I am 

being an

emo asshole.

Look at me.

I am sad. 

I am 

pathetic.

Sorry.

Fuck me.

yep. sleep.