10 seconds

I remember I used to like rainy days. When I was much younger, rain brought about itmany possibilities. If the rain wasn't very heavy, my grandma would sit on the porch of our old, wooden house and watch my brother and I play in the rain. She gave us the 10 second rule. She would count out 10 seconds as we spent our time absorbing the freshness and tranquility that the rain brings. She would sometimes use halves, such as 2 1/2 or 1 3/4, if she knew we were enjoying ourselves.

This rainy day isn't the same. I am in my twin, rusty, bed-frame bed and I am just laying there. Hoping that time would go along in minute increments or I wish time would just dissipate, forging space for me to just lay. Not to think. Just comfortably settle into a sense of nothing. Not a care in the world. Not a thing to fret upon. No haphazard involvement. The systems and orders of my life find an equilibrium and are forced not to plague me in this instant. This moment in which up is up and down is down and a bed is a bed, and there's not else to be concerned with.

It doesn't work like that. I am still that man in the bed, waiting for the something to happen. The same man that should start to appreciate what he has and just accept things for what they are, but he can't. Some transparent force in him, some intangible aurora in him drives him off course into the road of stupidity, solitude and uncertainty. He doesn't know who to turn to and when he does, he feels like he is just a lost puppy. He doesn't want to feel like he is always the one that needs aid. He loves the help, but doesn't understand why he is doing this to himself. Why is he lost? Why is he being like this? He doesn't want the attention. He wants to understand him and find out who he is and bring that to its full potent.

He can't change myself. He can't. But, he can decide to change. I changed subject about 338783 times in this stupid prose. Why is he becoming an English Professor? Maybe, I can still enjoy the day. I just want a friend, some rain and 10 seconds to make myself feel tranquil again. Get the fuck out of your bed, kid.