jours brumeux

The air was dripping with an unsettling haze that blanketed the blocks and street corners in my path, not aiding to the condition I was in. Three dimensional images transformed instantly into two dimensional figures in the map in the back of my head, tracing diligently the steps I must take to a home bound journey. A leaf brushed my check as it began its descend to the uneven pavement under my feet. I had a good night. I had a good day. If a good day means not meeting up with good friend and getting fucked over by some of your other friends, then I would say this day was splendid. B-E-A-UTIL even. My day was fucking golden and I changed my condition not to think about. I'm writing not to think about it. But, I'm a content. I can't lie about that. I've got the next fucking day to worry about. No time contemplating the strength of some of my relationships. No time deciding on why I fucking should never be my a phone when you are fucked up. No time figuring out why I feel so lost in my life right now, but I am content. I will not worry about it. I got it all out, right? No? Okay, maybe I didn't. It was worth a try and it's steps in the right direction, so maybe I feel crappy right now. I'll get over. Everyone does and maybe people will fucking notice that I'm trying to be above that. Above this particular boundary I was setting for myself. That is letting every goddamn thing get to me. Little things still irk me, but I'm not going to let it get the best of me. The grass was moist as I stumbled to the ground. Fresh is the word I thought of as my face meet the vegetation. Just one last hooray and you are in your house, Winslow. Five more minutes, I said, to the writer's voice in my head.

blocs

Lazy days drown my worries in a sea of prospects and optimism. I did so little and accomplished so much today, as if my mundane activities destroyed the weights that propelled me into sadness these past days, trickling down into an abyss. I'm feeling lighter as the hours go on.

Did you play with Legos when you were a child? Arranging the blocks into arbitrary shapes, wishing that the connection would stay strong as you augment your structure into the tower of your dreams. Mind you, you already have an adventure cooked up in that little head of yours for this tower and the assorted Lego people that you could find. What if the world was made of Legos? Never imagined that? A world where each entity was comprised of individual blocks put together to make a human. Or a tree. Or your bike. Or the annoying dog down the road. Or money. Or civilizations and building galore.

It's just a silly idea that's always been in my head. I think it could work. A world built together with tiny blocks. At least we could see when people actually break apart at the seams or crumble under pressure.

la vie de mesure

I climbed a tree the other day. First time I've ever done so. Never did it while I was younger. Shit, I've never even flown a kite let alone climb a goddamn tree, but I did it. While I was preached precariously between two branches, I surveyed the area. Just mundane activities sprinkled across the suburban roadway. Children playing tag. Fathers washing cars. People moving to and fro and in that moment, I knew it would never be the same. It meaning how I see myself. It meaning my family. It meaning my friends. It meaning what I know is right. Shit, I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to fall, as if a passing breeze would sweep me up and float me gently into the grass. That's not happening. So I gingerly climbed down the tree, and plopped down on and lied down on the grass. I stared up into the leaves of the comforting tree and played war with the clouds above. Giving meaning to even the most minute feature in the cloud's image, perpetuating my thoughts into deeper fields of imagination. Then I thought, shut the fuck up Winslow. Life is too fucking short to waste your time with the "what-ifs." Why the fuck do I keep measuring life? If I want something so badly, do something about it. Then I rolled over and napped on the front lawn and was awaken by the sprinkler my dad put on. Yes, he has sense of humor and yes, I was pissed. Needless to say, I did try to take something out of my actions today. Winslow, be fucking you and stop measuring life so goddamn much.

Oh and who wants to fly a kite soon because I've never done it before?!

arbres et pensées

I've been addicted to Aqualung today. Very odd for me. Today was also a slow day, but promising. I was sitting on my front lawn, listening on my ipod and layed down on the grass and just stared at the trees as I listened to music as my brother played around me. In that moment, I thought about my friendships, family and my future. I saw how my life is fucked up and great at the same time. I've never wanted to cry and be happy at the same time in my entire life. A surreal moment indeed.

colibri

I couldn't sleep last night. Nothing felt good about the moments before my body would shutdown. My mind wandered aimlessly, bamboozling any indication of rest in my future. Each fiber in my body felt weighed down by some immaterial combatant, coercing me to lay wake in my bed. Frustration settled in my mind because I could not wrap around the feeling that plagued me at the moment, stopping me from drifting softly into some kind of tranquility. Was it loneliness? Doubts? Self Awareness? I did not know.

One image kept floating into my thoughts. The life of a hummingbird seemed beautiful and simple to me. Vibrant feathers, doused in bright colors, depict the image of the minuscule bird, adding to its outstanding impression in this world. The job of a hummingbird displays how something, ever so simple, can contribute to a wide range of organisms. Your job, let us say getting nectar from a flower, shows the great magnitude of just one thing becoming very important, such as the promoting of seed distribution. It is a thing I believe everyone strives for. They strive for a niche in society that lets you find yourself and send small shock waves in the world. The bigger, the better.

Another thing about the tiny bird that compelled was the speed in which life is for them. Their wings flap at outrageous speed and their hearts tick at an alarming rate, but how else should you be living life? Waiting on something as your life is swimming in lethargy, not embracing the minute time we have on this Earth? In the grand scheme, I suppose?

So as my pugnacious thoughts lay wage in the battlefield that is my mind, I hold onto the very thought that I will find that niche, destroy the veil of bewilderment that impairs my life. I want to find a beautiful, simple role I must be in.

It seems like I am living the perfect imperfect life, but maybe I don't know what is really going on or what to say or feel. As I woke up this morning, my senses taking in the freshness of the day, I wondered what I should be doing with my life and I was still pondering the battles that keep me up the night before. I still don't know what this feeling is, but what else is there to do, but to live life and see what comes up.

buts obtenir

New goals for the summer:

1. LOSE WEIGHT! MUST DO!
2. Learn Harmonica and/or Guitar.
3. Do well in my summer classes.
4. Get a motherfucking job, son. I need some bills.
5. Read as much as possible.
6. Watch great movies as much a possible.
7. Be more risky with my love life.
8. Fucking find myself a little.
9. Get a bike.
10. Get a camera.

That is all.

(+)(-)

Lazy day today. Father's Day was cool to a degree. Chilled and watched soccer with my dad. Always a good day if you can watch some good soccer. I'm sorry to the nth degree. The person who I'm saying this to knows who. I made a cake today for my dad. Making cakes is very relaxing. I don't know why. During the day, I was putting on my music and seeing if my brothers liked it or not. My littlest brother, Henry, loves to dance to Justice, Vampire Weekend and N.E.R.D already. Now he loves to dance, his silly dances, to Born Ruffians and Battles. He is 6. He is amazing and pwns you all. Sleep time. I need it!

(+)(+)(+)

Amazing, fantastic day. I don't even know how to put it in words right now. Great fucking people: Henry, Becky, Rachel and Nico watching two great acts play at the summer stage at Central Park. It started to pour, but we did not falter. We stuck it out and experienced a Woodstock-esque whirlwind of rain, great music, dancing, and friends. I would never take this day back. Shit, that's how a great day with true friendship feels. I'm truly glad.

The show: The show was amazing. Born Ruffians were great. Check them out. The drummer is my hero and they have a great lead singer. Kid Sister sucked but she had awesome dancers and she is very striking. Vampire Weekend was everything I wanted from them for a live show and more. They started with Mansard Roof and ended with my favorite song, Walcott. GREATNESS.

I'm still looking! I will find something!

(+)(-)

Weird night. That's the best way of putting it, but I did realize a lot tonight. These ideas in my head are things I knew were there, but I didn't want to admit to quite yet, but I have to. It's over. In more ways than one. I tried. I really did, but there is a difference between things that can't be changed about someone and things that are always there and you seem to be afraid to change or don't want to change. It's not good to dwell. I learned that in many ways this week. So I keep on moving. Still trying to find myself and what I love in this so called life of ours. I might not find what I'm looking for, but I know damn well that I'm gonna keep looking until I've found something.

heureux

It is 4:35am and I have not slept yet. I need to learn how to sleep at regular times. I have been on a Wes Anderson movie kick today. I watched the Darjeeling Limited and The Royal Tenenbaums. I noticed that I would be Jason Schwartzman in Darjeeling and Luke Wilson if I had to be one of the Tenenbaums. If you saw the movies, you would know why. I want to make a movie is beautiful as the Royal Tenenbaums.

I downloaded music, watched movies, had fun and made it to page 26 in Stranger. I think it was a good day. I finally have no regrets for the past days and the situations that occured. I wish I could like everything go, but that's not happening any time soon.

Happy Birthday, Kristina.

Listen to: Anything by The Virgins.

5:25am, anniversaire

It is 5:25am. I haven't slept yet and I have an Anthropology exam at 8 am. What is wrong with me? I might need some medical help soon or to learn not to think as much. You know why life fucking sucks at this point? I love how now that I figured out who I am and who I want to associate myself with, I realize I don't fucking know what makes me happy anymore. Every time I get even one step closer to finding it, it gets taken away by some force. I don't know why it happens, but I've got to figure out what makes me truly happy and I don't think I'm going to find it. Grr. Very frustrating.

I have a silver piggy bank. I've been staring at it for a few minutes now and I still wonder: Why the fuck do I have a silver piggy bank? I've started the book, Stranger, 4390835 times and I can't get past page one. I am not in the mood to read that book or any book these days. Isn't that weird? I have lost the will to sit down and read something new and freshing. That's disturbing. I hope that feeling goes away.

I was so fucking fickle today. Had class, slept in it. First time I've ever slept in a college class. kgsdkhasd. Don't want to think about it. Then lunch then stuff then sleep then here I am. I was tired, then super happy, then feeling sorry for myself, then saying fuck off to the world. I am awkward. I say awkward like ackward and I should learn how to speak well.

I want to travel. Very badly. No money or time for that. That's pretty amazing.

I want to live a more interesting life. I was thinking the other day that my life would make a pretty boring slash basic book. Nothing too exciting, literary devices like irony and satire would be in it. I would be loved by very few, a boy would rip out a page and use it to throw away his gum one day. That's why I have to be a writer. Write about other people's lives and stories, but aren't all good writers supposed to use experience from their lives to make their writing more than just words on a page? Therefore, I'm going to have a boring book no matter what? I don't know what that means.

Enough of this rant. I'm going to listen to Vampire Weekend and feel good.

Listen to: Campus by Vampire Weekend

p.s. Happy Birthday Phil, Megan and Kristina, the day after.
[I care about them. Kind of. Sort of.] =]
hope your days are filled with phantasmagoria.
your day might looks shitty, like mine,
but at the end, the friends that matter
will always be there for you.
It's your birfday! Shit!

vidangé

Drained. That's the best way of explaining my life right now.
Goddamn, I wish you would just say it. Shit! I don't know.

Listen to: Viva La Vida by Coldplay
[I listened to this song 25 times yesterday]

ville natale

To Do List for Today:

1. Read Descartes for class.
(I like him now. Weird shit.)

2. Review Chapters 1, 2, 4 & 5 for Anthropology.
(I really enjoy this class. Minor?)

3. Read some more of The Stranger by Albert Camus.
(I've never read it. I feel deprived.)

4. Make email for BAR.
(The people I talked to know.)

5. Find two new bands to fall in love with.
(Vampire Weekend and Born Ruffians on repeat are enough.)

6. Find a good movie to watch tomorrow after class.
(I want to see a good one!)

7. Watch Weeds online.

8. Do some scholarships.

Listen to: Hometown Glory by Adele. she's got a dope voice.

ralentissement

I need to slow down. Life and I are in a race and I'm losing and I even cheated! Take tomorrow to breathe, Winns. You've got hell of a weekend to deal with. M.I.A on Friday night, Birthday Weekend begins on Saturday. My DOB is 6789. I noticed that a few years ago and it is a pleasant surprise. I love certain things about me like my DOB and name which is pretty epic.

Other things about me... not so much!

Listen to: Paper Planes by M.I.A

récompenses de mTV

There is something wrong with the world if Transformers
wins Best Movie at ANY award ceremony.

I feel like shit, man.

I watched the mtv movie awards.
I have hit a new low.

six mots deux

I need to be optimistic. My friends love me and they will always be there for me. "fuck bitches. by myself once again" is my motto for the night. I guess my six words are

friendship lives and breathes with me
or woes die young, growth lives on
or learned a lot. gained a friend.
or life comes with some assembly required

i don't know. I am useless.

six mots

You know what the best feeling in the world is? When you find people that whenever you see them you seem to be overwhelmed with the sense that no other moment than this will make you happier. Fuck this. I can't write. Just fucking tell me. Who am I kidding?

I feel like shit. I had an amazing day and I feel like complete crap. Every moment of this day from the reading the book to the nap to the funny card ride to the rendezvous with an old friend to the hipster haiku, to the awkwardness to the lounging around to flower eating to the new phones to the side streets to the blackberries to the friends was great. What's wrong with me? There were things bothering me and I didn't want them to bring me down, but they are now.

There was a moment I wanted to capture, but nothing happened.

I should go to sleep. I sleep late every night and I can't do that tomorrow night. I want another six words in my life. I live an imperfect perfect life. I keep wishing and I get screwed. Fuck me and fuck this feeling.

I hate being fucked over. I don't know what I am seeing, but who cares? Maybe I'll start acting the part. I shouldn't be writing or posting or whatever. Fuck you for reading my shit and putting an expectation about me with it. Stop thinking shit about me. Fuck you.

I'm off to sleep and
you should listen to
some coldplay because
that helps me sleep.

fuck bitches. by myself once again.

those are my six worlds, kids.
go make it an away message.