colibri

I couldn't sleep last night. Nothing felt good about the moments before my body would shutdown. My mind wandered aimlessly, bamboozling any indication of rest in my future. Each fiber in my body felt weighed down by some immaterial combatant, coercing me to lay wake in my bed. Frustration settled in my mind because I could not wrap around the feeling that plagued me at the moment, stopping me from drifting softly into some kind of tranquility. Was it loneliness? Doubts? Self Awareness? I did not know.

One image kept floating into my thoughts. The life of a hummingbird seemed beautiful and simple to me. Vibrant feathers, doused in bright colors, depict the image of the minuscule bird, adding to its outstanding impression in this world. The job of a hummingbird displays how something, ever so simple, can contribute to a wide range of organisms. Your job, let us say getting nectar from a flower, shows the great magnitude of just one thing becoming very important, such as the promoting of seed distribution. It is a thing I believe everyone strives for. They strive for a niche in society that lets you find yourself and send small shock waves in the world. The bigger, the better.

Another thing about the tiny bird that compelled was the speed in which life is for them. Their wings flap at outrageous speed and their hearts tick at an alarming rate, but how else should you be living life? Waiting on something as your life is swimming in lethargy, not embracing the minute time we have on this Earth? In the grand scheme, I suppose?

So as my pugnacious thoughts lay wage in the battlefield that is my mind, I hold onto the very thought that I will find that niche, destroy the veil of bewilderment that impairs my life. I want to find a beautiful, simple role I must be in.

It seems like I am living the perfect imperfect life, but maybe I don't know what is really going on or what to say or feel. As I woke up this morning, my senses taking in the freshness of the day, I wondered what I should be doing with my life and I was still pondering the battles that keep me up the night before. I still don't know what this feeling is, but what else is there to do, but to live life and see what comes up.