Fix You

I cried last night. I was sitting, waiting for my train to come to take me back home and I cried. It was quick, painful sobs. That's the only way I can describe it. I don't know what initiated this fit of extreme emotional release at that exact moment. I sat there thinking about my troubles from the past few weeks and in the past two days, including today, I've never felt so far in a rut in my entire life. Hold the hyperbole. I speak nothing but the truth.

I'm trying to become more confident and I honestly don't know how to do that. I'm starting to get rid of the 'static' people in my life and that's working slowly. I know I can't change people at all and most people know who I like and people who I am not too fond of. Not like it really matters. It's only my opinion. If there is any misconceptions, come talk to me. I will tell you. People say blogs are just a way to lash out, but I just use it to vent because I honestly have nothing to hide. I do hide some stuff involving my family, but that's understandable and I would hide a little if I was in a relationship, but oh wait. That would mean I would have to be in one. Right. So think what you may about my this entry or any of my previous entries. If you get offended or don't agree, it doesn't really matter. At all. It's the internet.

Then I thought about everything once more and with the help of a few various good friends that have been there for me these past few weeks, I've come to the conclusion that I know what I have to do. I don't know to describe it, but I just know. I guess, I've been too afraid to admit certain things in my life and it is all coming full circle. Took you long enough, Winslow. I've got so much more to learn, but I'm going to just strive forward, because there is no where else I can go but up at this point. I have nothing to lose and I can use that to my advantage.

One more thing I noticed in my travels in the past days is that I am truly in love with the song Fix You by Coldplay. Every time I hear that song, something comes over me. Yes, that was a very cheesy line, but that's the only way I can describe what this song does to me. I almost cried again when I listen to this song on my ipod on the train, but I was in public. With a lot of drunken people on the train. The more I think about it, it wouldn't be odd if I started crying on the train that night. A late train back to my part of LI after the Yankees lose, which basically equals 'anything goes.'

New School Year. New People. New Experience. New me.
I sound like the add for the new 90210 series.
'New Drama. Same Zip Code.'
That show is going to be horrid.

"And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

Peur

I'm not ready and I'm scared.

cheers, mate 2

Why can't today be like this everyday? Beautiful weather and a night out with the people who make me the happiest. The people that have my back and slap me around and tell me when I am fucking up, which is a lot, but they still love me. I am terribly tired, but obviously not asleep because I am a freak, but all I can think about is the fact that is should be illegal for days like today to end. I know the buckets of emotional lame the drips from this post, but I don't care. I am happy and that feeling isn't going away. I will make it stay.

cheers, mate.

I stopped breathing at some point last night. I believe it was between James Franco's beautifully executed line diminishing the establishment and sensing the ebb and flow of the room as nerves tingled and fired up as the relief theory seemed to allow my troubles to float slowly out of my thoughts, trickling down, allowing airy substances of joy to seep into my skin, filling my body with endless possibility of happiness. I am happy. Happy as can be. I don't use the word happy much. Not trying to be melodramatic, but you don't hear everyone say that they are truly happy all the time. I feel it. I'm high on life (not weed this time), but life. I'm starting to get confident. Fuck, I am a pussy. I don't follow through with shit and I will change that. I whined at people why my life sucked and everyone knows why. You know why, Winslow. Because you let yourself be not happy with your life and yourself. Time to change that and I am making steps towards that now. New me and not that stupid bullshit I've been saying before and promising other people. Make myself happy and everything will fall into place. flkgjhjsdlgjas. I am happy and I am still freaked out that Garbage made a song for a James Bond movie. It is a beautiful ballad. Garbage and ballad. Do not compute. Also, if you want to be pen pals with me (I'm asking again), do tell me! I love writing letters and that is all.